1. Travel In Style
Sure, your options are limited when it comes to how you’ll get there – airplane, luxury cruise liner, tramp steamer, raft made of reeds, etc. – but once you arrive, you should demand that you are provided with the best of whatever that third world dump of a country has to provide. This means requesting a Stretch Hummer Limo. If they claim that they don’t have one available, raise hell and tell them that you did not bail them out of World War II just so you could be carted around in a rickshaw.
2. Know How To Communicate
Ignore anyone who doesn’t speak English with you. They all know how. And if they don’t, just speak really slowly and loudly. If they still refuse to communicate in The Language of the Lord, just shake your head at all their clicks and whistles and move on. Someone will eventually help you. After all, you’re an American and you saved the world from Nazis and those weird aliens from Independence Day.
3. Don’t Be Afraid To Demand Something
Just because all their old castles and ruins haven’t been kept up to code over the centuries doesn’t mean you should have to suffer. Why take a bunch of winding stairs? Again, you are an American and you have earned the right to ride an elevator or at least an escalator to the very top of Castle Grayskull or whatever the hell they call their thousand year old dust traps.
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